When We Don’t Know What to Do With Our Emotions

There are times when we don’t know what to do with what we are feeling.

We feel angry, hurt, jealous, anxious, or sad, and our first instinct is to make the feeling go away. We try to distract ourselves. We try to control it. Sometimes we take it out on someone else. Sometimes we suppress it and pretend that everything is fine.

But the feeling is still there.

For a long time, I also believed the answer was to learn how to control what I feel. Over the years, that understanding has changed. I don’t think we always need to control what we feel. Perhaps the first thing we need to do is simply notice that the emotion is here.

If anger is here, I can notice: anger is here. I am here.

There is a difference between saying, “I am angry”, and noticing, “Anger is here”. When I say, “I am angry,” it can feel as though the anger has become me. But when I notice that anger is here, I can see it as something happening within me right now. I don’t have to judge it, justify it, or act on it. I can simply watch.

An emotion can be very strong. When we are angry, we may say things we later regret. When we are hurt, we may hurt someone else. When we are afraid, we may run from something we actually need to face. We may know afterward that we didn’t want to behave that way. But in that moment, the emotion seemed to be in control.

Perhaps the problem isn’t that we have emotions. It might be that we don’t notice what is happening before we act. Something happens. An emotion appears. We react. Only later do
we realise what we’ve done.

This can become a pattern. We react the same way again and again, and then wonder why the same problems keep appearing in our lives.

The next time an emotion appears, we can try something simple. Don’t immediately do anything about it. If anger is here, let anger be here. If sadness is here, let sadness be here. We don’t have to name it right away, or find a reason for it, or fix it. Just watch. Stay with it for a while. Give it some space.
There may be thoughts that come with it. There may be sensations in the body. There may be an urge to do something. Watch those too.

We are so used to interfering with what we feel that simply staying with an emotion can feel uncomfortable. But that discomfort may be worth experiencing, because when we don’t immediately react, we get a chance to see what is actually happening.

This is something I’ve noticed through meditation. There can be an emotion without needing to become that emotion. Anger can be here. Fear can be here. Sadness can be here. And I can still be here. The emotion doesn’t have to become my identity. I don’t have to say, “This is who I am.” I can simply notice: I am here, and this emotion is here.