Though there are many theories regarding the origin and the actual meaning of the word forgiveness. However ideologically meaning of forgiveness is “Thoroughly giving without reservation”. It means that to give up on the feelings of hatred and resentment towards someone who wronged you.
Once you forgive others you untie them as well as untie yourself from the bitter feelings you had for them. You cannot punish every single person in your life who has wronged you sometime in your life. Can you? Unequivocally, not. Also, you cannot punish yourself for every single mistake that you have made.
But you may think what about as to what you have learnt since childhood. You may have been educated about how people should be punished for their wrongdoings; the Wrong deed can be anything like hurting people, stealing, breaking the rules, etc.
Also, you must have noticed many times when you desire to do something wrong, you may have stopped midway due to the fear of punishment. I remember one of the most famous idioms “TIT FOR TAT”, what we all have learned in childhood and even liked the idea very much. Thus you have developed the feelings of satisfaction after punishing others.
You at some point in life also got punished by your elders for petty matters like for not doing homework or for talking in the class or for not getting good marks or for teasing other sibling or kids. You learnt to complain about others to the teacher or parents or elders just to see the other person getting punished. And you felt immensely satisfied and enjoyed those moments.
Therefore you developed this pattern of punishing others. Later in life, you want to teach a lesson to every single person who hurts your sentiment and feelings.
But once you actually grow up in life (or in other words once your perception matures and you start to see the real picture) psychologists and healers say that you should learn to forgive as you should not carry grudges within us. It gives us pain if you are unable to forgive. But how is it possible now? This quality is not the part of your personality rather it’s quite the opposite.
Can anyone forgive one’s boss who is rude? No! Rather you want him or her to get punished in any manner. Does anyone feel pity for such a boss if he/she gets sick? Rather you feel that they got punished for being such a rude person to you.
You want to see people getting punished who wrong to you. But this habit of punishing others and urge of teaching them a lesson starts affecting your relationships. It is possible that when someone says sorry and apologies for any matter, the other person replies “it’s okay. No problem. Don’t do that again”.
But does the person actually forgive? Does he/she not carry that inside them what other person did to him/her? Forgiveness was never there. You start learning how to forgive only for your own gain. When you come to know that this hatred and resentment is giving you pain and taking a lot of your energy. You decide to forgive others.
If you keep on punishing others you punish yourself too by keeping this negative energy inside you. Negative energy needs more power than a positive one. Negative energy is like a parasite that feeds off you and consumes your inner peace and tranquility. You tend to be rude, impatient and easily irritated on petty matters and everyone around you slowly starts to drift away from you and no one likes a person who behaves such way.
You start filling your life and relationships with bitterness. Slowly over time, you become lonelier and you become even more irritated. Thus you fall into a vicious trap. Thus it is imperative that you learn this quality of forgiveness as soon as possible to attain serenity.
Forgiveness is freeing yourself from the feelings of bitterness towards others. The others may include your parents or life partner or friends to whom you love so much. The more a person is closer to you, the more are the chances of you getting hurt from their behavior. The more hatred you grow for them when they behave in an unexpected manner.
This above is a practical ideology for forgiveness. You want to learn forgiveness because of your own good. You want to forgive people so that you don’t feel hurt anymore. But are you really aware of the truth?
If you really can dare then peel the layers of emotions and go to the bottom of these layers
Forgiveness is used in a very wrong sense, for a very wrong purpose. It is deceiving. It suppresses your pain and creates an illusion in your thoughts you that you are free from pain, hatred, and resentment related to the concerned person. If you really want to heal yourself then find out the truth behind those feelings. Go into the depth from where this hatred and resentment is coming.
These negative feelings have nothing to do with the other person. These are your feelings. You must be the center of it. But you mistakenly hold other people guilty for your emotions. At the center of all these feelings, it’s you. You are feeling hurt and betrayed.
The other person may have only done something what he/she felt is right. He/she may feel the same about you that you have hurt the other person. This is mutual. The other person may feel the same as you feel for the other person. If you get to the bottom then you will find that both of you have longed for your own imaginary desires from each other, but you both got something else.
As a result, you both start feeling betrayed. Look at it with other perspectives that you also failed to behave in a certain pattern as desired by the other. But when it’s about you then you will say I behaved best according to my intelligence. However, your best didn’t match another person’s expectations. Same has happened with you.
Everyone is at mistake here. You miss the truth. You don’t live in reality but in the imaginary world. In true form, no one is right or wrong. No one is at fault. You fail to accept others as for who they are. They also fail to accept who you are. But before expecting from others to realize this truth, you must know the truth yourself. You also miss the opportunity to discover the truth as you cover up your emotions with “forgiveness” kind of imaginary words. You don’t dare to go deeper to discover the truth.
The truth is that you have no right to forgive someone and no one deserves to be forgiven and vice versa. Every one has right on his/her own life including you. They are not bound to behave in a certain expected way just to oblige others. You play your part, they play theirs. The utter truth is that no one can forgive, no one can be forgiven.
Mind it, that from your perspective others can be wrong but from others point of view he/she can be right and not at fault. For eg – You may feel that your boss is rude but your boss may be thinking that he is behaving professionally and he/ she doesn’t want to involve any emotions with the profession. People have different views on life and act according to their own perspective on life.
When you decide to forgive someone then following three things happen
Firstbefore you agree to forgive someone, you have to accept it first that the other person is at fault. Which is not true. The other person may feel the same about you that you were at fault. So who will decide? This is something which can not be decided because everyone thinks in their own way. You both can have a different view of the same matter.
He/she did something that they felt right, you did something that you felt right. You have no right on other’s feelings or actions. It’s their own choice. When you start expecting from others you are interfering with their freedom. If you think that you are right and other is wrong, then it’s your choice to think that way.
Other’s actions are none of your businessThey can choose what they want in life. So nobody is truly at fault here. Therefore no question arises to forgive. Still, if you feel that there is a need for forgiveness then you are falling for a never-ending internal conflict. You yourself are creating trouble. If you feel hurt because of your loved one’s behavior then it’s your own fault. Why do you expect anything from others? Keep your expectations at the bay when loving someone.
Love happens only when you surrender yourselfand when you surrender there are no chances of a conflict. However, when you are in love you create an image of this person in your mind. If the person does not behave according to this image, your mind gets shaken. If the person does according to the image then your mind applauds. So who is creating an image of the other person without him/her knowing about it? Still, you keep on blaming him/her if anything goes wrong. You live in the illusions, fantasies created by the outside world, whose fault is that?
Secondif you deny this above truth then forgiveness can never happen. As you have already assumed and declared that the other person is at fault. Forgiving someone will be like that you have proven someone’s offense and given the sentence at first; later just decreased his/her punishment. You just keep on inviting troubles and blame others for that. You tie yourself with other person’s actions and later blame them for your pain.
ThirdForgiveness is an act just to fulfill one’s ego. You pamper your ego by saying somebody that “I forgive you or someone”. It’s all a game of “Ego”. Just to feel on the top of the chain of incidences. You want to feel superior. How dare can one hurt you and leave without getting punished? You want to show your power. Forgiveness is also a kind of punishment as you are making other people realize that despite her/his fault you are ready to forgive; you are such a big-hearted person. Next time when you find this desire to forgive someone then look inside you whether there is an ego waiting to get accomplished. Also, ask yourself who are you to forgive someone. Who is it that wants to forgive? Is it you or your ego?
Therefore when everyone is doing what they truly are, then how can they be wrong. Everyone behaves at their best according to their nature, according to what existence has made them; then how can you say that they are at fault. If you still think that they are at fault, then so are you.
Because you also behave according to your very true nature. Then you must be wrong too. So next time whenever you feel that someone is doing wrong to you then look inside from where it comes. Hold onto that moment and go to discover the truth; the truth of your emotions where ‘Centre is you’.
Once I joined a group with my friends called “emotional wellness”. There everyone was asked to write about one person who has affected their life most. Most of them wrote about their mothers. In the starting of the paragraphs, everyone wrote how much they love their mothers. But later they wrote how they blame their mothers for destroying their lives and how much they hate her about it. Then they were asked to release those feelings and forgive their mother. But how it can be possible. They were carrying these feelings for so long time and they will carry these for the rest of life.
No one went to find the truth. Everyone just followed the instructor who was holding the group. They were too astonished to find their true feelings for their mother. They felt so overwhelmed with their own response to this question. They thought they have discovered the truth but this was only one layer, what about other layers? No one thought about it. They just fell in the trap of illusions.
You may have different views on this scenario. Let’s discover the truth in this incidence. A mother always does best for her child according to her intelligence. No mother wants to harm her own child. These people forgot that the same mother had kept them in her womb for 9 months which itself is herculean experience in itself. Those mothers took care of them all the time while ignoring her own-self.
They kept their child’s needs on the top priority of everything. They nurtured the child, provided everything they need, and prepared them to live in the world. They do their best according to their knowledge. Every mother is unique. But when the child grows up, she/he starts comparing the mother with her own imaginary mother. Imaginary mother is not the reality but the child wants the mother to behave in a certain way according to the image. How can it be possible? Mother will do according to her true self. How can she live up to the expectations of such an imaginary persona? However, the child fails to see the truth here and blames the mother for not looking after her properly.
The mother is everything to the child until the child can’t imagine. Once the child starts imagining the same mother becomes responsible for her failures. The truth is that it is your own habit of imagining people in a certain way who is at fault. So stop creating an image in your mind for people around you. Stop feeling hatred and resentment for someone for being his/her true self, but appreciate them for helping you to find out the truth behind your own emotions. These people give you the opportunity to discover the truth. You will never feel hurt after you realize this truth. To reach this truth “Meditation can show you the path”.